There’s something beautiful about chaos. I remember reading about the butterfly effect and how it’s the main catalyst of chaos theory. It’s interesting to know that something so small can cause such a huge ripple effect that can change the future in a significant way. This is what happens when you decide to take a step towards changing your life. You set out the universe and its underlying patterns in favour of the changes that you desire. Last night, I went back to read the goals that I had written for myself at the beginning of the year. There were things that I had written but that I had put away in my head and forgotten about. Yet, the universe hadn’t forgotten about them.
Sometimes things aren’t meant to work out
Almost 7 months later, the things that I had set out to do and that I had asked for are being brought to me. However, getting these things to come to fruition hasn’t been easy. It’s been a messy time for me. Do you know how life can come full circle without preparing you? The one minute you’re living in a different city, trying your best to forge a life that you know isn’t what your soul needs. Then the next minute, you’re back at home living with your parents? Well, this is what has happened to me.
I tried to convince myself that I was moving in with the father of my child for the right reasons. It was easy for me to sacrifice myself because I thought that it was the right thing to do for her. But, I knew that it wouldn’t work out. When I left there was a big part of me that didn’t want to leave and move in with him. For the most part, I had raised our daughter by myself before she was even born. For two years, I had lived at home, I gave birth, and even spent the first year of her life with my parents by my side. She had never known what a traditional family unit looks like. And somehow, I thought that this wasn’t good for her and decided that her dad and I needed to be under the same roof to give her all that she needed.
It’s easy to try and convince yourself that you’re in the right place or doing what’s best if you’ve never had to choose yourself. When you’ve spent your life devoting your happiness to others, and unknowingly giving parts of who you are to those that come and go, you don’t realise when you’re setting yourself alight to keep them warm. I knew that I didn’t want to be there, but I lied and pretended to be happy. For years, I pretended to be happy even though I was planning a different future for myself. But I stayed- for guilt, for shame, for hope, for all the reasons that didn’t include who I’m trying to become. In this case, life just did what it does best.
Choose yourself despite your traumas
You see, when you refuse to remove yourself from situations that no longer serve you, life won’t rest until you make a choice. In the end, you realise that you’re left to choose yourself even when everything seems chaotic. You cannot transform into who you should be if you’re not moved from your comfort zone. In hindsight, my lack of making choices that served me was a trauma response. Sometimes, your attachment issues or past traumas can leave you feeling like you owe people the best parts of yourself. Whether they deserve you or not isn’t something that you even think about.
You’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve anything, that you’re not worthy of love. Instead, you’d rather spend your life proving to people who don’t see you that you’re valuable somehow. It’s the only way that you know how to see yourself. This no longer has to be the life that you choose for yourself. You no longer have to be a crutch in anyone’s life but your own. You see, when the time came, I had to choose myself for my daughter. I could no longer carry the cross of my past to define my future. I could no longer pretend that I was okay with the life that I was forging for myself. She deserves to know that true love comes from putting yourself first and being intentional about the people that want to build homes in your heart.