It’s been a long week, and it’s only Wednesday. Being a freelancing, full-time mom can be very draining. So far, I’ve made peace with the fact that there’s no effective way to balance it all out. On Monday evening while I was taking a bath and a Lego toy was poking my back I further confirmed a few things about this journey that I’m on. The obvious thing is that I will never know what it feels like to soak in a tub for hours without any care for the troubles of my life.
The thing is, while I was feeling the pressure of this Lego toy, my daughter was trying her best to have a go at my boob. Exclusive breastfeeding strips you of your autonomy. Anytime is milk time. And I did say that my daughter never lets anything get in the way of her daily fix. What was meant to be a relaxing bath was soon interrupted by a floating turd. The end of a perfect moment for me. You might have guessed that she wasn’t bothered, and you’re right. She just carried on playing as I drained the water while fighting her to not touch her poop.
Yes, this happens. She wants to touch everything, in most cases, it ends up in her mouth. My eyes have become super alert to anything that she picks up. Sometimes it’s difficult to see though, I have very terrible eyesight. And somehow, I think that she’s noticed this ‘cos she will pretend as if she’s put something in her mouth and laugh at me while I frantically wait for her to spit whatever suspicious thing I think she’s put in there. When my bath time was interrupted, there wasn’t much that I could do except to think about the bittersweet feeling of things coming to an end.
It’s been a while since I’ve had to go through unpacking the heavy load that comes with ending things. That’s if you don’t count the ending of my independence in March 2019 when I found out that I was pregnant. I’m talking about the evident changes that come with you ending a cycle in your life. Where you choose to be proactive in your letting go. What followed after that is a series of introspective moments. There have been a lot of realizations about some of the things that have overstayed their presence in my life. I’m talking about habits, relationships, bad memories, whatever you can think of. The last time that I was brave enough to do something so prominent in my life was in 2016 when I relocated to start afresh in this city.
It all comes down to courage, doesn’t it? Ending things needs you to be ready for the unknown. You take a risk and hope for a positive outcome and silently pray that everything will come together in the end. Some would even say that it needs you to have an extra dose of faith that the universe will have your back, no matter what happens. You see, when my daughter decided that my ”me-time” would end, I just allowed the unexpected to happen. I didn’t foresee that I would end up taking a shower. Or that I would later miss deadlines because she’s going through yet another milestone.
The thing is in life it doesn’t matter if you’re a mom who’s struggling to find a balance between work and raising a child or if you’re a 22-year-old graduate who hasn’t figured out what happens next. When the time comes, you just have to accept that there are things that need to end for you to be who you’re meant to be. There is something about this moment that needs things to end. If you’re going through this, I hope that you can carve bravery down your spine as you leap into yet another exciting and unknown part of your journey.