11 months later and I can safely say that the past month has been one of my toughest months ever since this journey began. Not as a mother or because of any new milestones (there have been a number of those) but it has been just a very difficult month for me- the individual. I realised that I hadn’t had time to unpack any of my emotions, my deepest fears or aspirations in a long time, everything in my life has been revolving around ensuring that my daughter has a wholesome experience with every little thing and in turn, my mental health had depreciated. I was falling behind with taking care of my mental wellbeing.
Raising a person who is experiencing every single thing for the first time is the most difficult role ever. You have to be really careful with how you react, how you navigate and how you express yourself because children are like little sponges that just soak up everything especially the energy around them and they mirror it as their foundation. So, it’s unsurprising to me that I had not taken cognisance of my triggers or understood how I had been really feeling until I found myself slowly sinking. I knew I was sinking because every thing started to feel impossible to accomplish.
There are a couple of projects that I’ve invested my time and effort into over the past couple of months. Suddenly, I felt as though I was failing at performing tasks, even the ones that had filled me with so much joy. This blog was the last thing on my mind. My patience was running thin and I was feeling inadequate in my capabilities of being whomever I am supposed to be at this moment in time. It felt as though I was drifting towards the middle of the ocean and sooner rather than later I would drown if I didn’t try to swim back to shore. “Are you going to sink or swim?” Is what I constantly asked myself.
I wasn’t sure how I would snap out of how I was feeling because I could feel this darkness hovering above me. The thing about having a child is that for the first time I know that I have to fight to stay afloat, I cannot give in to my perilous thoughts even when I feel as if there is no alternative. Positive thought is my daily mantra; especially when I drift into my pitfall. I live with my traumas daily, I am constantly reminded of my wounds even when I try to be oblivious to them. There are just scars that never heal, the kind that throb when you are minding your business or when the weather gets a bit gloomy. They tug at dormant parts of who you used to be and draw you back to the excruciating pain that you vowed to never experience again. When it was just me, it was easy to nurse those aching moments but now, I crash to the ground in agony while simultaneously caught in a rapture of love.
So, I hope that when you ask yourself “Are you going to sink or swim?”, that you have something or someone waiting for you by the shore. For me, it’s the sound of my daughter when she calls me and when she laughs that pulls me back from the things that haunt me even in my serene moments…