Who Am I?

It has been 8 whole months since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. Time seems to have just flown by. It still feels like it was only just the other day that I held her in my arms for the first time. I cannot even begin to explain how that felt like; I still can’t fathom how perfect that moment was, nothing can ever compare.
Since then, my life has been quite the adventure that I never anticipated. Every day is just as spontaneous as the previous one but one thing that remains unchanged is the mornings; how my daughter looks at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time, she always smiles at me and it’s the most captivating yet simple thing that she does but it encapsulates everything that we feel for one another.

Motherhood has been a rollercoaster, a whirlwind of emotions to say the least and not forgetting the impromptu nights with no sleep just when I start getting into a relaxing nightly routine. I take it all. I sink myself into motherhood and shrink to my daughter’s size just so that I can try to walk in her shoes. That is a promise I made to her, before I even put a face to her existence; I vowed to be the kind of mother that I dreamed of and more. My life revolves around her. Since 16 March 2019 (The day that I confirmed my pregnancy), my life has not felt like my own. At first I was consumed by overwhelming emotions of having to bring a life into this world, a sometimes very cruel world I may add.

Then after giving birth, it felt like I was pushed further into a chasm of never ending first times. In hindsight I feel as though that is the moment that I somehow started drifting away; I let myself go (for lack of a better term). I don’t recognise the person that I wake up to see in the mirror each day. Sometimes I stare a little bit longer at this stranger who has taken over my life. I am amazed at how much things have changed, how I have changed in just over a year.
On what seems like a good thing; experiencing so much love and openly expressing it also feels like it’s overwhelming me because this is unfamiliar territory for me. For the longest time I held onto pain and I forgot how to be vulnerable. Now, my struggle is that the person that I used to be and the woman that I am becoming are finding it difficult to reach common ground. I constantly feel as though I have to play catch up with my emotions mostly and feel as if my emotions are pulling at different directions and failing to reach equilibrium.

It has taken me a lot to get to a point where I can write about how I feel without feeling guilty, without feeling as if I am complaining about being a mother to my beautiful and lovable daughter.
Recently, I have taken strides towards restarting my life because for the past year and four months it feels like my life has been put on pause. My youthfulness forcefully plucked from a promising reality and now in the limbo of lost dreams. I have lost sense of where I begin and where the mother in me ends; is a mother all that I am now? How do I reclaim myself without feeling as if I am neglecting the one person that I am responsible for?

I feel as though I still have to get to know myself all over again because I have gained new parts in comparison to the woman I was before I found out I was pregnant. I was a social butterfly in my own way, I drank a good beer as many times as I wanted at any time of the day, I smoked and really enjoyed having my blunts in the stillness of the night. I haven’t done any of these things and more in over a year and in as much as I crave the tingling, fuzzy and relaxing sensation of a cold beer touching my lips before taking a swig of it; it is just not worth the pumping and dumping that will happen afterwards. On a brighter note; I am officially disgusted by smoking and I am your new judge Judy!

Figuring out who I am now goes beyond just imagining how I will socialise when the world opens up again, I need to assimilate into this woman, to morph the best parts of the old me with the new me.
For as long as I try my utmost best to acknowledge the positive things about my motherhood journey, I cannot shun the once distorted past that was a catalyst for the mother I am always pushing myself to be each and every day.

For now, I will continue to ask myself “Who Am I?”…

4 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. Love your post, I am into 2 years postpartum.. still I remember holding her for the first time and can’t realise time has past so fast… And our body, mind takes more than 10 months to recover and heal. Definitely a good read.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I’ve learned to be patient with myself. When I was pregnant, I had unrealistic expectations for myself but now I’m just so grateful for the little things. Motherhood really is a beautiful journey even with it’s challenges.
      All the best with your baby girl 🌻

      Liked by 1 person

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